TO THE MOON WITH THE BIGGEST HEART

There is a standing joke amongst womanista friends that the perfect man is a mythical creature... Somehow it fails to make me laugh these days. Because I know now for a fact that this man exists…or existed, rather.  And I consider myself very much blessed… for I have been made instrument by the heavens to give birth to this man.

Although we named him after the Myths, he was very much alive and was amongst us…at least for 12 short years. His existence brought so much love and joy; that his untimely passing completely devastated our souls. Intelligent, talented, sensitive, happy, and loving – Io always put others before himself. We raised him in the virtues of humility and kindness, reminding him always that in times of adversity, silence keeps the balance. We never thought he would take it this far…

It was very typical of Io to not say a word when he feels a bit under the weather. There were several instances when we’d notice him not being quite the jolly kid that he is; sitting quietly in bed, trying to hide a splitting headache. And when we ask him to take his medicine, he’ll always say that he’s fine no matter how obviously he’s suffering.

We’d later on ask why he “hides” when he feels sick. His singular reply to both Lawrence and me: because he doesn’t want to worry us. A line that we insistently tried to eradicate from his system.

In his earlier years, Io was given treatment for primary complex. Afterwards, he grew up healthy and active. His regular visits to his pedia assured us that. He was into sports: he swims, plays Frisbee and football, goes skateboarding with his buddies. An orange-belter in Karate, his sansei said Io was strong and his cardio was very much ok albeit his weight, which is a bit beyond for his age and height.

He ate healthy and would watch what he eats. In fact, I doubt if there’s any other kid out there like him who would get disappointed if he doesn’t see vegetables – which we never had problems introducing him to since he was still a toddler – on the dining table! Although we would sometimes take him out for pizza or burgers, he developed a healthy, adventurous taste for cultural cuisine.

 Like any other normal kid he had occasional fevers, colds, and coughs as he grew up. Nothing more.

And so it was the shock of our lives when, on August 1, he was suddenly gone from us. The culprit: viral myocarditis. 

The Week Before

Io has been constantly texting me, asking how everyone’s doing. Especially his baby brother Kali, whom he loved so much. He was very much excited for the weekend, for Kali’s baptism. He asked for a map to the venue, what he should bring with him…if he should wear something formal.  

Every single day he would tell me how he misses me and his baby brother…And that he loves us.

He mentioned that he has a cough but will follow through saying that it’s nothing and that he was fine. We did notice the weekend before he left the house that his breathing was different. Like he was exhausted. We asked if he feels anything different, he said there was nothing bothering him except for a minor cough. Lawrence said Io was able to attend class even. Except for Friday when, according to Lawrence, the cough got apparently bad and that Io has been losing sleep having a hard time with the cough. And so he took Io to the doctor that Friday (July 30).

The doctor checked his lungs and heart saying everything was fine and that he did not hear anything unusual. He was then sent home with a prescribed diphenhydramine. Lawrence was intending to take Io out that night to see a concert, but they decided to stay in so Io can rest. 

July 31 – Kali’s Baptism

 Io texted me early in the morning: “Hi ma I won’t do karate muna went to the doctor kasi yesterday to have my cough checked. It got really bad kasi that I could not sleep. Anyway, see you later.” This was around 9AM.

And so we went on to the church, expecting to see Io and Lawrence there since Io will not be attending his Karate class in Ateneo anymore (it ran from 10AM-12Noon). As the day went on, I kept coordinating with Lawrence, who asked for directions to the reception. Lunch passed and they were still at home.

At around 1PM, Lawrence texted, “Hi, what time kayo makakaalis jan sa diliman? Sobra antok ni Io di sya makagalaw agad.” This is when we started to get worried. Lawrence said he had no idea what was happening, it only seemed that Io was sleepy as he lacked sleep the entire week. He even had to put on Io’s clothes for him as he was just sitting at the edge of the bed, having a hard time to move.

Another hour passed and I made a phone call to check on them. When I heard Io’s voice, who could hardly breathe, I was alarmed! I had no idea it was THAT bad. I told him that we’ll head there and take him to the hospital. But excited as he was to be with his baby brother, Io said “No mama, I’m ok. Wait for me there. I’ll be there.” I had no idea that it was the last time I’d hear his voice…

Thinking that it’s the same respiratory attack he had when he was younger, I asked Lawrence to take him to the hospital and have him nebulized. And they did. As Lawrence and I coordinated on Io’s condition, he said the nebulizer worked and Io’s better. Well relieved, I went back to catching up with Kali’s ninongs and ninangs, thinking that Io’s on his way to join us in a few minutes.

This was very soon cut short by a phone call…Lawrence’s voice was trembling in panic. He said Io was critical. We instantly rushed to the hospital.

The Longest Night

When we got to the emergency room, Lawrence was at the door crying. I shifted my sight to the patient on the ER bed, and almost fell on my knees to see it was our son Io struggling from the many tubes already attached to him. His lungs have filled up with water and the doctors were at that moment pumping it out of him. I felt my heart tighten and wanted to scream. But I saw his eyes. I tried so hard to hold back my tears as I approached the hospital bed…I kept telling myself that I have to be strong to be able to tell him that he will be alright. Deep inside I was dying, seeing him struggle through the process. He would raise his back to try to breathe, but he had to be kept still so they could draw out the water from his lungs.

Another doctor was then explaining the situation, showing the result of Io’s chest X-Ray. I felt weakened all the more to see that his heart has enlarged to almost the full width of his chest. This is when I started to break down. But I kept thinking that I have to stand by Io and comfort him through the process. I had to stop myself from crying…I tried.

I started to have a bad feeling about the entire thing…Just a few hours ago at Kali’s reception, my bestfriend  Mia was telling me that she was treated at the very same hospital due to complications of her asthma, when they had t o draw out the water that started filling her lungs. But with her, she was made to sit up as they draw the water through her upper back…So I started wondering why they had Io lying down when he was drowning with all that water in his lungs. Something was no right, that nagging feeling kept ringing in me. I wanted so bad to speak to the doctors, but was too distraught. Nino noticed this and to comfort me just said that I have to relax, the doctors know what they were doing…

Eventually, Io had to be sedated for them to be able to perform the necessary procedure. To keep him from moving too much.

10PM. An ambulance arrived as he had to be transferred to the Philippine Heart Center where, the doctor said, Io will be instantly admitted to the ICU for better equipment. All those hours I was holding my breath. And when they said better equipment was needed, I suspected that he has not been stabilized and that the situation got worse. I had to hold on to the last few morsels of strength left in me.

Lawrence and I went with him in the ambulance. I held Io’s hand as we sped past the clogged streets of Quezon City. I kept telling him that he was doing a great job, that everything will be fine…and that we love him so much.

When we arrived at the Heart Center, he had to be brought to the ICU right away. There, we were asked to wait outside the ICU. Agnes was trying to keep Lawrence intact. Nino was by my side keeping me from falling apart. Mommy and Nanay were already wailing.

After a few minutes, one of the doctors came out and informed us that they were, at that moment, trying to revive Io through cardiac massage. The tension shot up and we all broke even harder into tears…But I was trying to catch the doctor’s eye to tell her to do all they can to keep Io alive. As she went back in, we all fell silent. We held on to each other saying that Io will be revived. I was pacing the floor barefoot, almost at the brink of losing it, talking as if Io was right in front of me…telling him to fight, that he can do it, that he can and will survive this.

No one had an inkling what time it was when, once again, a doctor – male this time – came out and gathered us. My jaws already in a lock for trying to keep myself from breaking completely, fists clenched to my side, anxious with what the doctor was to say. He explained Io’s situation. That for his heart to continue pumping blood, someone has to continuously be at his chest to assist him. Once they release him and stop pumping, his heart rate goes down to 30 and even lower. And in a rather straightforward manner, he said, “Ito po ang tanong ko…Hanggang saan?” Everyone wailed…I almost screamed…But I had to gather myself and beggingly told the doctor “Wag nyo syang bibitawan…”

The doctors kept trying. There was even a point when we thought he’s responding better. They gave a higher dose to strengthen his heart. And they got him up to a normal heart rate…We were then allowed inside, Lawrence and I. Lawrence went in first. When it was my turn, the look on Lawrence’s face was full of hope. And I took his cue. A sigh of relief…He told me, “Kausapin mo, Ma, ha…Kausapin mo sya.” I assured him I will.

When I got to Io’s bed, the first thing I checked was the monitor that indicated the heart rate. It was down to 89. I looked at Io’s face and saw that his eyes were already half-closed, pupils dilated. A strong pound was crushing my chest. But I held his hand…And told him that he will be ok soon, that he was doing great. The doctors remained silent, heads bowed low as they kept attending to Io…Then they started pumping his chest again…I thought I could stay through it so I could keep cheering him on…But I wasn’t able to last the sight of it. My heart was breaking. I had to step out.

I was careful not to cause panic when I approached Lawrence and the rest. Lawrence’s face was full of hope, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that they started trying to revive Io again…I just said they’re doing all they can.

A few moments after, the doctor came to us again…He said Io was still breathing. But his brain has already shut down…We asked them to keep trying still, as long as Io breathes and fights for his life. We asked that they do all that they can.

Much as I wanted to remain strong, a voice at the back of my head was saying that Io’s physical body is already tired…I could not stand the pain, witnessing what he’s going through. And would perhaps be best that he rests. I’d rather that than see him suffer further. I was completely torn apart. It was at this moment that I decided to go up to the hospital chapel…Nino went with me.

There, I sat quietly. Praying. I told Him…”I believe in You, in Your many names. I know You’re there. Whatever Your reason is for doing this, I will – with all the strength left in me still – try to understand and accept this eventually. If You indeed are taking Io from us now, I pray that You give Lawrence, his family, and mine the strength to go through all of this. I pray that You grant me even more strength to be intact and be able to stand by them as we all suffer the loss of our dear Io. Hindi ko na alam kung san ko huhugutin ang lakas ko. Ipinapasaiyo ko na lahat. But if You can give him another chance to live, please allow us to love him all the more…Marami akong pagkukulang sa kanya…Allow us to shower him with more love…Whatever it is that You planned for him, give us strength.”

August 1,  1AM. The doctors came out to declare that his organs have now failed completely and that Io is no longer responding…I think I gasped the deepest gasp I ever have…My mind shut off and went on defensive. I was in shock. I could feel my system rejecting the cold truth. I wanted to scream, but I had to help Lawrence and Mom when they broke down. Tears were flooding down my cheeks but I could not utter anything. My chest felt like it was about to blow up…I felt my hands and my face grow numb. All I could think of was why the fuck this third world country doesn’t have the knowledge and capability to save my child. How could they not know what friggin’ virus it was. What kind of doctors are they, where the fuck did they get their degrees, how long have they been in practice…That thought kept nagging that something wasn’t done right…and I want to get to the bottom of it. My mind got filled with more and more questions, one after the other they came. Everything began to blur…

The last thing I remember, I asked Nino to take me out for a walk. Everything seemed like a bad dream, I was walking through it surreally. And the air suddenly became still. Too still.

 It wasn’t for another couple of hours ‘til they brought Io out of the ICU. It felt as if everything moved in slow motion when they rolled out the covered, cold steel carriage. That must have been the longest 5minutes of our lives, walking out of that hall and down to the morgue.  It was an endless storm of tears. Furthered still by the arrival of the funeral service, the picking of the casket, having to wait for him to be ready, bringing him home for the wake …The sun was already up, but it shone rather dimly.

One by one…dear friends began to call. My bestfriend Mia, whom I haven’t seen for ages…Io’s loving Ninang Joffin who called in from Jersey…Io’s Titos and Titas from UPLB…Our friends from years back showed up, Io’s teachers and friends, the neighbors, colleagues, friends, acquaintances…Everyone. We were all in shock of his sudden passing. Saddened, devastated, abysmally consumed by such a young death.

The Playlist

On the second day of the wake, a slideshow of Io’s pictures played in a loop while his personal playlist reverberates around the house. Lawrence, caught between amazement and grief, shared what he found out digging into Io’s music playlist.

There was one particular song that Io apparently listened to the most. It registered at number  one, having been played 103 times in his iTunes. Lawrence relates that the tune was the very same song that Io has been practicing on his guitar as he listened to the track with his earphones on. It was only now that he found out what the song title was…It was a song by Io’s favorite band, Avenged Sevenfold. The song: “Afterlife.” Lawrence put the song on…hearing the lyrics held me frozen.

 

Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen
so unsure but it seems, ’cause we’ve been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right
Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be
Arrived too early

And when I think of all the places I just don't belong
I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far

I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear. Escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain
Can leave this place but refrain, ’cause we've been waiting for you
Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste
of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway

This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)
No pain or sign of time (I’m much too young to fall)
So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign
I've made up my mind

Gave me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye
Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

Loved ones back home all crying ’cause they're already missing me
I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening
Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be
(I am unbroken; I’m choking on this ecstasy)
Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me
(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)

I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear. Escape from this afterlife
’Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here
Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I’d hope you might
take me back inside when the time is right

The Biggest Heart

From that point on, the chorus kept looping in my head.

Was it a farewell message? Is Io trying to tell us something?

I could not still my mind with all that has transpired, all too soon. As I write this, it is a few hours before his death’s first week. The nagging thought still stabs my insides…Something went wrong at the hospital. That he could have been saved.  I try to knock myself hard back to reality. Perhaps I’m in denial. As a mother, I cannot help but resent this feeling of helplessness; knowing that out there in more able countries, steps have been made to have similar situations under control. I suddenly fear for all the children who might fall under the same circumstance. As the condition is viral.

But what good would it still do if I keep lingering on such thoughts. Lawrence told me to let it go. No matter how hard it is to silence my heart’s disquiet, it is best to think instead that Io is now in a happier place; away from all suffering. It is best to keep his happy memories in mind, knowing that he lived a lovely life.

Even though he grew up in a rather unconventional setting, due to my own doing, we know that Io was showered with the love of all who surround him. He was a math awardee, a toddler who knew the scientific names of butterflies, a Karate orange-belter, a guitar prodigy, a blossoming film buff, a passionate food adventurati, a travel bug, a sweet friend, a loving brother, a son that every parent would want and be proud to have.

I don’t know how I lasted the wake, trying the best I can not to cry, to stand strong for my family, for Lawrence…for Io. It always broke Io’s heart seeing me cry.

On the day of his cremation, I felt the grief eat away all the last strands of my strength. Although I did not want my family, or anyone else at that, to see me cry – I know I had to pour it out lest I ultimately snap… It was already feeding on my entirety. My chest, barely able to contain it any longer. Just before my family and I left the house at Novaliches for the final rites in Marikina, I gave. I dismounted the car and screamed my soul out, crying out to the heavens with all the rage, the frustration, regret, desolation ‘til my chest emptied out, but it never did. I was devastated… Wailing. Pounding the walls. When I regained composure, we were already in Katipunan. An Aglipayan mass was ongoing when we got to the house in Marikina. A few moments afterwards, the funeral carriage arrived. Before Io’s casket was brought out, Mommy cried out almost collapsing, trying to hug Io through the casket glass. I had to firm up and hold her. Daddy took her from my arms and took her to the car. It was then that I started crying again, Nino and Mia held me tight in their arms…

At the Cremation, after the mass, the coordinator from Loyola asked that only one of the parents say few last words for Io…We let Lawrence speak. Although I wanted so much to stand up and speak, I know that it is only right that he deliver it. Lawrence thanked everyone for giving Io a happy childhood, a happy life. He said that Io has raised the bar to him for kids. Indeed, Io will be missed for all that he is. A loving soul.

I take this chance now to thank each and everyone of you…for making Io the perfect man that he was.

To all of his teachers, who consider him as a darling, jolly, kind kid.

To all of his classmates and friends, for filling his young life with happy memories.

To his Titos and Titas, who have loved him from the moment he was born.

To his Ninongs and Ninangs, who shared their love and guiding light.

To his guitar mentor KC, for bringing out the guitar god in him at a very young age…He’s now up there, having the gig of his life!

To his bestfriend CJ, for being there for and with him through and through. You’ve made his young adolescent life so much special by just being the sweet friend that you are.

To his Tita Agnes and Tito Nino, for deeply loving him as your own…

To the Chuapoco family, for giving him the best of everything…

To the Acosta clan, for the deepest love you’ve shown…

And to his father, Lawrence. If only there is any tangible award for the Most Loving Father in the World, it should, hands down, be granted to you. Thank you.

Io was indeed a boy with so much love that even in his absence, this love resonates. I find it rather symbolic that he passed away with a big heart. No matter how sad, his unfortunate demise brought together people. Strangers became friends. Friends and families apart got back together…and those who are together even closer still.

We will always remember that big, bright smile that he shared with us throughout his life. And now our dear moon has risen back to the heavens, shining down on us with his love unfaltering .

Anak…We love you.